Executive coach Amiel Handlesman joins Charlie on the show to talk about how we talk to each other. They illuminate the different kinds of conversations we have, and how to navigate them. Amiel talks about different conversational micro-habits that can help improve the quality of our communication, especially during this time when intentional conversation is so important.
[3:30] - Oftentimes, people wait to have conversations because they are afraid of having the conversation wrong. “Naming the conversation”, or type of conversation, can help get everyone on the same page.
[8:18] - Sequencing is just as important as naming the conversation. Amiel talks about three different types of conversations: share stories / assessments, explore possibilities, and then ask / take action.
[14:33] - Having a shared terminology between people really helps to ease frustration and misunderstanding. Naming what you’re doing (for example, “I have a request for you”) defines the roles for the speaker and the listener. It also creates a safe environment for the listener.
[18:20] - Proactive communication is key to navigating and renegotiating commitments, especially in business. Different personality types approach this differently; do what works for you, but it is helpful to practice outside of crucial conversations, so it seems easy in those conversations.
[23:05] - As you’re listening and taking in this advice, lean into the things that make you most uncomfortable - those are the areas of growth! Reflect on whether situations are a strength, stress, or stretch.
[26:55] - Amiel and Charlie talk about the Enneagram test, which serves as a good basis to know the default way in which we interpret our experiences. When we learn about ourselves, there is a permission-giving factor that can be very helpful.
[30:35] - There is a way to create a pause between the initial ask, and saying yes or no. Saying you’ll check your calendar gives you time to weigh everything else on your plate so you can give a firm commitment either way.
[34:50] - Setting boundaries in conversation can bring up difficult and challenging emotions. You want to find a place for these emotions when engaging in conversation, which is part of learning to be competent in conversations. Amiel shares an example of when he had to say no and how he applied this.
[40:50] - As a leader and manager, it’s important to be able to articulate what your emotions are, so your teammates trust and understand where you are coming from and what you mean. This goes for personal relationships as well.
[48:25] - These are skills you have to practice. You may have to go back and clear things up, so you can continue to establish trust in your communication. The way you get better is by repetition with intent to improve, and by having someone observe and provide feedback.
[52:20] - Amiel’s invitation and challenge for listeners is to pick one of the conversations, situations, or habits discussed in this episode and write it down, and see if it’s something you want to make a commitment to for yourself.
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