On a particularly frustrating day on an excessively screwed-up mission, I got some bad news from higher headquarters that we needed to change routes and go back through the potentially IED-laden roads we just came through. The way I got handed the information was so casual that it stung — it was clear that the delivering officer had no idea of what that meant for us. A change in mission was much more than a phone call for us.
After doing some thinking and getting my head straight about what needed to happen, I delivered the news to my senior sergeant first.
His reply: “Well, sir, that just fucking sucks.” There was no hyperbole, no whine, no hint of him doing anything but calling it like he saw it.
It was one of those times where you have to really think about how to respond to a statement. Sure, I could’ve tried to find the bright side and given some motivational speech about how it was going to be okay. But the truth was that we were tired, frustrated, and really ready to be done and off the roads. I said the only thing that I could while being honest…
“You’re damn right it sucks.”
“When do we roll out?” He was a fine sergeant because he knew that it didn’t really matter that it sucked. The fact that it was a shit sandwich didn’t change the fact that we were going to be eating it.
Yes, it did suck. But it was another one of those otherwise non-eventful missions that you secretly hate and love at the same time. You love them because nothing majorly bad happened and you hate them because your stories are lame. I was blessed to have a lot of those.
***
A few years earlier while in training, I was horsing around as one of the road guards for our running formation. If you’ve never seen a modern U.S. formation run, road guards are the soldiers wearing kooky-colored reflective vests and running ahead of the formation to block traffic. Apparently some driver missed the 45 troops running in the middle of the road, so it became policy to have road guards.
Anyway, I was joking around and laughing with the other road guards and having a good time, which was unusual for me given how much I hated running. I was looking over at my buddy when a pothole mysteriously appeared and ate my foot. I was mid-smile when I suddenly knew that I would be kissing the concrete, and somehow or other, I managed to tuck, roll, and get back to my feet in one smooth movement, all the while never losing pace.
My buddy, unaware of the mysterious pothole, gazed in amazement. From his vantage point, it looked like I had decided to dive forward and do a combat roll. He yelled “Airborne!” and said it was the most hardcore thing he’d seen in a while. My telling him that I really just about busted my ass didn’t change his excitement or praise.
***
A dear friend of mine was expressing how frustrated she is about the normative pressure to be awesome. She wasn’t feeling the awesomesauce and was a bit disenchanted with the idea that everything was awesome and good.
Here’s the deal: sometimes things suck. We all have bouts of loneliness, sadness, frustration, anger, pettiness, and all those little dirty bits that make us human. There are plenty of times when the only thing you want to do is scream, fight, and knock some sense into some happy, no-need-to-worry-everything-is-chill sad sack. There are also times when you don’t even want to hear that it’s okay to feel however you feel because you don’t want to turn some feeling you don’t want to have into something that’s positive or okay.
For my part, I feel lonely, sad, frustrated, angry, scared, and hesitant on a fairly regular basis. I tend not to talk publicly about it much because a) when I look inward, I normally find some vice at play and can work on it, b) I tend to tuck and roll about everything, and c) I have a supportive network of people that I can talk to about it. I also don’t like causing people concern when there’s nothing they can really do to help — I’m quite sure my mom wouldn’t have made it through my teens and twenties if she’d known how many messes I actually got into and out of.
That said, I do wake up excited. I have an amazingly supportive and patient wife who tolerates both my excited chatter and my down-in-a-hole moments. And my work with talented, creative, and compassionate people keeps me focused on positive possibilities. “Blessed” is the word that best captures most of my days, and, strangely, it can be harder to express that things are good than that they’re bad.
Yet I wish I had the courage to show the dark when it comes up, the wisdom to see that it could be just as helpful to you, and the empathy to let you feel whatever you want to feel without qualifiers. We’re all a work in progress — and I appreciate Erica’s example in the Failure Manifesto.
I’m fighting every natural habit and inclination that I have right now, to end this post with what you might need to hear if you happen to be in one of those dark spots…
You’re damn right it sucks.
Still needing some more “umph”?
Just when I thought I couldn’t love your website more, you post this! I’ve been going through a transformation from a negative person to a positive person the past few years and your website offers me guidance and inspiration. But I also have an autoimmune disease that leaves me in pain and wracked with fatigue and you know what? You’re damn right it sucks. Thanks for bringing the awesome!
Love this story! Recently found your site and I am happy that I have.
Great great post. Thank you.
Sometimes it so sucks, it’s just beyond sucking.
Your post really resonates with me. It brings to mind that old adage about needing to throw up your own rope and climb back out of the hole you have fallen in.
Thanks so much for sharing this post with us. It’s always so helpful to hear that others experience similar frustrations, but they get back up and get going again.
Yes.
I’m having one of those times now, and I’ve really appreciated both Erica’s post and your own.
Thank you for sharing your story, it’s helped me a lot.
Spot on, Charlie.
I’ve had one of those days when my body really won’t behave & it IS frustrating. I want to do stuff & I often can’t because of my illness but you’re right, we’ve got to roll with it. It is what it is, ya know.
Looks to me like you’re well on your way! Beautifully written piece. I loved every word.
OMG, “Airborne!” made me laugh so hard I still have tears in my eyes. Thanks!
Like your friend, I’m also starting think that “awesome” might be the most overused word in the blogosphere and am actively looking for a replacement (or a few more nuanced synonyms). Would love to know what she comes up with.
When it really sucks, and you are right that sometimes it does, I am glad I have you.
Allowing the suck to suck while having positive people around you makes the “Airborne” moments happen faster.
Great post.
This is a great piece of writing, really enjoyed the way you weaved your personal stories in, it helped me to understand your message.
I’ve been wrestling with this myself. What happens when shit goes bad? Like you, my instincts are to tuck and roll. I know it sucks, but I’m immediately trying to learn, get the lesson, see what my gut is telling me.
I rarely acknowledge that anything sucks. I don’t see the point most times. Like you said, “What can people really do to help?”
In most cases, I would feel like I am just sharing my burden with them and if there is no way that they can feel empowered by my problem, I just put them in a position to feel helpless. “Here is my burden and there is not a damn thing you can do about it….”
More and more I am embracing the dark, without it, there would be no light. Without the bad, how would we know what was good? My days of positive thinking are in the rear view mirror. I just want to experience things as they are, the good, the bad and the ugly
~Mike
Keep preaching it, Charlie! Great post!
David
Thanks for writing a post that makes me want to cry 🙂
I shouldn’t come back from holidays upset because of my workload. I shouldn’t be working on the weekend, after vowing to go on a digital sabbatical, in order to get processes in place so I can earn an income AND take time off.
My business and work, which I love, shouldn’t trigger my mental illness. I built this to help me work through my anxiety and depression.
You’re damn right it sucks right now. People like you give me compliments and I just don’t care because I’m under so much pressure. I know that when I come out of it, it will be awesome. It always is.
*sending hugs to Jade*
Roll on BlogWorld so I can give you a proper hug!
The awesomeness will come back. I never believe that either (I’m struggling at the moment), but it always does.
Spot on.
Nice timing — and thank you. It really helped me to read this today.
Thanks for sharing the piece about your mission. It kinda puts my own life into perspective…!
I totally understand, and to an extent share, your reservations about writing about this kind of thing. I posted about being overwhelmed on Aliventures last week and was *very* doubtful about putting the piece up … I was worried it was whingingly reminiscent of my teenage blogging, I was worried about causing people concern (because by the point I was writing it, things were pretty much okay again), and I was also worried about ruining my reputation as a positive and enthusing kinda gal. 😉
But from looking at the comments above, I think this kind of thing *is* worth talking about occasionally. I wonder if the biggest challenge that many of us face isn’t so much getting more productive stuff done when life is awesome — it’s being able to navigate the darker times.
hey charlie,
sounds so familiar. i hide my dark moments as well. i’m so good at it that people believe i don’t have any…
keep going, like your website.
tiny
Brilliant post, in so many ways! I love the image of the tuck and roll, how smoothly you executed, and what I imagine to be the look on your buddy’s face 🙂
Definitely helps lessen the suckiness when people can just say it and then move on.
The big problem with people *not talking about* having down days, depression, overwhelm or anxiety…is it gives the rest of us the impression that it never happens to anyone but ourselves. We look out and all we see are smiling, happy, energetic, confident people – and we come up short in comparison.
Thank you for this!
Awesome post.
As someone who’s been spending a lot of time tucking and rolling and trying not to sink into the hole, I really appreciated reading this.
Thank you.
And yeah, lately, it just sucks.
You are right. There are times when things do suck and it’s okay to feel that way. I think the difference with people who have positive mindsets though is that they brush it off a lot faster than negative people. Positive people will acknowledge, feel sorry with themselves for a bit and move on. With negative people it is often a downwards spiral.
This is really insightful, its nice to hear some one admit that fear, lonliness and failure are all part of our lives…and we are not weak or foolish for feeling down sometimes..is it just me or you really do seem to be getting better and better!
This is a great article. It’s nice to know that someone has gone through the same phase as you are. It really sucks when something does not work out the way you hope for and I guess it’s okay. Going through this makes you a stronger person. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections. Allow me to share with you a great article on Discovering True Happiness Within You. Thanks!
Great post and even greater uneventful stories 🙂 I try to live with high acceptance of situations that I can’t change
Well done, Charlie. I love your stories.
My advice when facing the need to suck it up: get a big straw.
I also like the tuck and roll and nesting in bed for a little bit helps a lot when things suck.
THIS:
“the empathy to let you feel whatever you want to feel without qualifiers. ”
I’m normally a pretty optimistic guy, but I struggle with the balance too. It’s called being human.
It’s all in the approach. I lost my last bit of consulting work on Monday and entered the realm of unemployment for the first time in my life.
Scared shitless? At times, hell yes I am. The difference is I am also ecstatic at the prospect of embracing the opportunity to take a step back and objectively review my current place on this big ball of planet.
Right on as always Charlie. I appreciate the unapologetic approach to subject matter that many will walk on eggshells around.
Love the message here. I like to feel sulky and crappy on some days. Some ppl like to fake positive thinking, but it’s harmful. Sometimes u gotta think about the negative for awhile, and get it outta your system.
Yo Charlie, just great
Life is just plain miserable for 99% of us. And don’t think for a moment that you can work like hell to get into the other 1% – because everybody else out there is also working like hell.