Sometimes ideas come to me slowly and gradually sink in and I realize, “Oh, that’s a good noticing.” Other times, I feel like I get smacked on the side of the head — a wake-up call of sorts. Still a good noticing, but perhaps a bit (or a lot) ouchy.
I had one of those ouchy moments this morning during my meditation. It hit hard, and to be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of what showed up for me.
You may be able to imagine by now — having heard me try to explain some of the ridiculous internal battles I get into with myself — that I had all kinds of reasons why this BS didn’t need to be showing up for me.
I know better. I am self-aware. I (generally) try to take good care of myself.
Nope, not cutting it today!
Here’s the simple, yet challenging question that showed up for me today: Are you worthy of your own trust?
At this point, I want to tell you that it was a cryptic message/question, or that it made no sense at all, or… well, damn, I’ll go ahead and admit that the very first thing that popped into my head after that question was real ummmmm… mature. It was this: What a stupid question!
Then, dammit again, the tears.
OK, so it’s not a stupid question. And that was clearly my defenses going up because this is obviously something I didn’t want to deal with today.
Then my very mature self is back… I’m still pissed for a few minutes as the tears continue and have lots of excuses about why this question isn’t needed… yet it just won’t go away!
As I’m writing this now and sharing with you my process, I can’t help but laugh at myself, question my sanity a little (OK, maybe a lot), and ultimately reach a place of compassion. But, really, why so much drama, Angela?!
Are you worthy of your own trust?
I’m going to keep you for just another minute in my head (sorry) and share that sometimes when I don’t like questions, I try to play with them and find other ways to ask them. So, of course, that’s what I did:
- Do you treat yourself in ways that you should trust yourself to do right by yourself? Blurgh. Really?!
- Are you kind to yourself? Ahhhh.
- Do you honor your commitments to yourself? Welllll…..
- Do you take care of yourself? Yes, but…..
- How can you be someone worthy of your own trust? Dammit!
I’ll give us both a break and stop with my mind’s antics when I don’t want to deal. What was crystal clear: I didn’t like the question because I didn’t like my truth.
Am I worthy of my own trust? Not always. Not in a way that feels fully integrous to me.
Because I can’t always count on myself to treat Angela with kindness, compassion, and love.
I realize that this may not be a question that resonates with you or it may be a question that doesn’t even make sense to you and I wanted to share it with you in case for any single person it’s a question that you need to hear.
Are you worthy of your own trust?
My truth is that I don’t always do right by Angela. I treat myself in ways that, if someone else treated me that way, I would not trust them.
I know that I will always make mistakes, but this is not about mistakes or accidents or those occasional lapses in love towards people that matter. This is about intentionally choosing to not treat myself the way someone I trust implicitly would treat me. And that is not OK.
I want to do better by myself and for myself. I want to and deserve to be able to trust that I can be a good human, not only to others but to me.
And, I think that as I learn and as I practice, that growth will allow me to let down guards and walls and barriers that perhaps I am not even aware of at this moment. To me, it makes sense that if I have barriers up with other people I don’t fully trust, I am probably doing that to my own self, as well.
So, as I sit here trying to fully digest the truth (pun not intended) of what showed up for me today, I can really only end this with saying: This is going to be interesting. I quite literally have no idea where this practice is going to lead, but I have a sense that it’s going to be important for me and my growth.
Are there ways in which you find yourself not worthy of your own trust? And how can you practice trusting yourself as implicitly as you would that true friend or partner or family member?