Editor’s Note: This a joint blog post by Vlad Dolezal and Ali Luke.
“Does my butt look big in this?”
You rely on your friends for honest advice. Sometimes brutally honest. You might be willing to show a close friend (or a coach, or a partner) something which is very much a work-in-progress — something which you’re not sure about unleashing on the world.
Whether that’s a new and daring outfit, or an epic novel, you want to know whether it’s working. Whether it’s good — or whether it needs a bit more work.
You need brutal honesty.
By “brutal”, we don’t mean “cruel”. We mean honesty that tells it like it is — even when that truth is hard to speak, and hard to hear. Because bad advice, “nice” advice, can be utterly destructive.
If those bright pink jeans were pretty unflattering, wouldn’t you want to know before you went out on a date?
And if your business model was wonky, wouldn’t you want to know before you invested a ton of money and energy into pursuing it?
How to Ask For Brutally Honest Advice
As I’m sure you’ve experienced, getting some people to give you a single negative comment on you or your work is harder than pulling an elephant’s tooth with tweezers.
But brutal honesty is valuable. Really valuable. So how exactly do you get people to give it to you straight and without sugar coating?
To answer that, first consider why friends fail to be brutally honest with you. The most common causes are that they are:
- afraid of offending or upsetting you
- afraid of draining your motivation by being too pessimistic
- afraid you will have a negative reaction to their input and this will hurt your friendship
- afraid that you really just want reassurance or support, not constructive criticism
- afraid of seeming unkind
- afraid that they might be wrong [?]
So just ask them to be brutally honest with you. Explain why it is important to you. Explain that you will not get angry with them. Explain that if their comments are enough to drain your motivation, then it’s probably a good thing they told you up front, before you invested any more energy into it.
Further, appeal to their friendship, and explain that they would hurt you more by not being brutally honest with you. Because you are then likely to waste your time, energy and maybe even money on something that might never have been a good idea in the first place.
Now, you don’t have to act on any advice they give you. But being fully informed will help you make the best possible decision in the circumstances. And that’s all you can ask for.
Sometimes, your friends might not be the best people to ask. It can be hard to encourage loved ones to be truly honest (even if you get them to read the next section of this post…)
Both of us have had great feedback from acquaintances who don’t have a close relationship with us — like online friends, or even helpful strangers on forums related to our business areas. You might well be able to find someone similar: ideally, look for people who you can swap advice with (e.g. you’ll read their blog posts and they’ll read your sales page).
How to Give Brutally Honest Advice
The flip side, offering brutally honest advice, is obviously much trickier than asking for it.
And as we will see in the next section, no matter how valuable brutal honesty can be, it’s not always the best approach. But it usually is, and here’s how to maximize your chances of getting a positive reaction when you offer it.
#1: Tell them you’ll be honest
Let’s say a friend, colleague or client comes to you, outlines their latest idea or shows you part of your work in progress, and eagerly asks, “So, what do you think?”
You want to be honest with them. So tell them that. Say “I’m going to be completely honest with you,” or ask them “Is it okay if I’m totally honest?” Make the terms of engagement clear, right from the start.
#2: Start and end with the good
Even if you think your friend’s idea is pretty unworkable, there’ll be something good to say. Whenever you’re offering feedback, it’s good to start and end on a positive note. (The Toastmasters do this with their speaker evaluations.)
If something is basically good but has a few flaws, make this clear right at the start. Say “I think this is a really solid business plan” or “I loved reading this blog post.” Don’t ever assume that people will know that their work is fundamentally sound: you need to tell them this, explicitly.
#3: Be constructive in your criticism
Don’t offer advice like “No-one will ever want to buy from that sales page” or “Your ebook will make people fall asleep.” Point out specific problems and, if you can, suggest solutions:
“The design makes the page look a bit scammy. Perhaps you could cut out the yellow highlighter?”
“The writing style seems very academic. Perhaps you could talk to the reader directly, using “you”, and bring in some personal anecdotes?”
#4: Tread very cautiously when offering unsolicited advice
Let’s say you spot that your friend has created a website where she’s selling handmade furniture. You might have all sorts of ideas about how she could improve everything from the site design to the shopping cart software.
If she’s not asked for your help, though, proceed with extreme caution. Few of us like to get brutally honest advice when we’ve not requested any feedback at all. If you’re in a situation where you feel like you absolutely, positively must speak up, you might want to check with a mutual friend first…
#5: Accept that they have the right to make their own decisions and mistakes
I was recently reading a thread on reddit with a man who was planning to speak up at the “speak up now or forever hold your peace” part of his brother’s wedding.
The reason? He thought his brother’s fiancee was not the right woman for him.
Now, the first obvious problem is that you should bring up something like this before the wedding, not during the ceremony.
But the man did that. No less than 5 times. And his brother heard the brutally honest advice, and still insisted on marrying his fiancee.
That would be a good point to stop and forever hold his peace. Because no matter how convinced you are that you are right and your friend is making a mistake, they have the right to make their own decisions.
So when you offer brutally honest advice, understand that your friend might not follow it. That’s okay. You can only make sure that they have all the relevant information when making their decision. The actual decision is up to them.
Once you’ve dispensed your brutally honest advice and your friend has acknowledged it, move on. This will help you remain a valuable advisor instead of turning into a pestering nag.
When Brutal Honesty Is Not The Best Approach
With all of that in mind, brutal honesty isn’t always the best approach.
When I (Vlad) did my first ever prepared speech at Toastmasters, I was, frankly, atrocious. My structure wasn’t very clear. I spoke too fast and mumbled. I fidgeted around. And the list goes on and on.
But that’s okay. Most people suck when they try giving their first speech in front of an audience. And the whole point of a place like Toastmasters is to get together and practice in a safe, friendly environment.
And so the feedback I received consisted mostly of pointing out the things I did right, with one or two points for improvement.
This helped reinforce the things I did right, and gave me something to focus on improving next. And it kept me motivated, instead of bringing me down by listing the dozens of things I did wrong.
So, sometimes, helping and encouraging your friends really is more important than pointing out every flaw in what they’re doing.
But next time someone asks you for feedback, or next time you need advice on something big and important, ask yourself whether it’s a good opportunity to practice brutal honesty. If money, health or relationships are on the line, it’s generally a good idea to speak up rather than to keep your doubts to yourself.
The comments are open – feel free to let us know your own experiences of brutal honesty, whether good or bad…
I always try to be honest but in a nice way. Sometimes if you’re too blunt, people will be too offended to actually hear the part they need to make a good change. Hence, if you can be tactful without being hurtful, you stand a better chance of actually making a difference.
I definitely don’t think you should be hurtful in speaking the truth (and being honest can mean pointing out something good just as much as advising caution).
I’ve had my fair share of run ins with brutal honesty and, while I’d say there’s a time and a place for it, I feel that you also have to temper it with other approaches.
If the only things you ever say to people fall into that brutally honest category (such as is the habit of a certain relative of mine), people stop listening. They come to the conclusion that your words are for your own benefit. If, however, you use those social niceties and be supportive most of the time, saving up the brutal honesty for when it’s needed, it will be much more effective.
I’m a dictionary-lover.
Brutal carries no positive connotations for me:
1. savage; cruel; inhuman
2. crude; coarse
3. harsh; ferocious
As a matter of fact, I like my advice in a completely opposite way – calm, refined, and gentle. Truthful and honest – heck yes! I don’t want someone to lie to me. But if someone can only present their criticism in an emotional, aggressive way, I’d rather they wait a bit.
I like the concept of ‘radical’ honesty – go to the root of things, separate out knee-jerk reactions and habits, and be clear about where facts end and interpretations begin.
That said, I love the ‘how to give advice’ part and agree with it 100%. And I do tend to err toward comforting the afflicted, and can definitely use the reminder to sometimes afflict the comfortable a little.
Maartje, sorry that “brutal” didn’t work for you. Perhaps “radical” would have been a better choice (though for me, “radical” has connotations like “off-the-wall” and gets a bit overused in my neck of the blogosphere…)
Glad that the “how to give advice” part helped. Vlad and I are really pretty nice by nature — but we know that it’s often kinder to be honest than to simply offer encouragement.
Vlad was recently brutally honest about the pricing of one of my products. I (eventually) appreciated that – I think it kept me from making a mistake, though I could be wrong.
It felt a bit discouraging for a while there. But I think in the longer term it will help us build a stronger relationship. I know now that he will tell me honestly what he things – I don’t have to wonder.
I also had a struggle when deciding how to price Unleash Your Confidence. And I had a hard time assimilating it when people told me that my original pricing plan was too high for the perceived value of a 55-page e-book (never mind the actual value).
In the end, I followed their brutally honest advice, and I think I’m better off for it. So, yes, brutally honest advice works, even if it can be uncomfortable to hear, and take a couple of days or weeks to truly assimilate!
The germ of this post came from me telling Vlad, in my kindest-brutal way, that I thought the price was too high — not because the ebook wasn’t worth it (it was) but because people wouldn’t “see” that.
I try to be honest as I can in feedback to my friends (so long as they’re emotionally in a position to handle it), and I hope that they do the same to me. In fact, when I taught college courses, this was one of my positive feedback points–my students said that they always knew what I wanted, based on the feedback I gave on assignments and in class. (So, I guess I’m doing *something* right!) 😉
I’ve only recently stopped being a student (went back for a couple of years of graduate study) — and I can definitely say that honest, forthright feedback is *very* helpful. It’s not always 100% pleasant to receive at the time, but I knew that it helped me improve no end.
Ali and Vlad,
First off, thanks for contributing this post. Also, thanks to Charlie for including it.
I think both of you have added value here and you are quite insightful.
However, I think you could have chosen a different word. Brutal carries really negative connotations in our society. It is not such a good thing to use that word in any forum.
From now on, try to be careful with your choice of words. Hey, I am not perfect: I make mistakes like that all the time. What is important is to learn from your mistakes.
Another thing: people tend to be sensitive. As human beings, we are creatures of emotions. We have feelings and often behave in an irrational manner. So, you have to be careful before offering your honest opinion. Honesty is great, but try to be tactful or diplomatic.
There are too many cases where people have reacted rather than responded to negative criticism. Human beings tend to be egotistical and emotionally invest in their work and other things in life. For example, women tend to be sensitive about their age and the way they look, so maybe it is not such a good idea to comment about her extra-large clothes, etc.
Being honest can get you into a lot of trouble with people. People say they appreciate your honesty but may secretly resent you for it. They may even gossip about it behind your back and spoil your reputation. So, conveying your ideas honesty is a delicate balancing act and you are walking on a fine line.
People can get antsy if you are “brutally honest” or air your views in a forthright way. Yet, you have to tell the truth and get your message across. Some people are masters at this game, while others are perceived to have a “big, fat mouth.” However, both of you have rightly pointed out the limitations and pitfalls of being brutally honest. Cheers.
Thanks Archan. Perhaps we did choose the word too hastily — though it worked for both of us.
This may possibly be a UK English vs rest-of-the-world English thing (both Vlad and I live in the UK). I’ve heard “brutal” used in a positive light by both Brits and Aussies.
Neither of us were advocating honesty when it’s uncalled or unasked for, which was why we advised readers to tread very cautiously when offering unsolicited advice.
One more thing. “Brutally honest” may not always work in relationships. To keep relationships going, you have to learn how to tell little, white lies. Think about all those marriages that dissolved because one of the partners was frank, fearless and forthright.
In a similar vein, think about friendships which are no more; business partnerships that are no more; boyfriend-girlfriend relattionships that are history; and the list goes on.
Let’s take a look at one scenario (in a lighter, humorous vein)…
Ditzy girlfriend: “Do you think I look fat in this dress?”
Brutally honest boyfriend: “Babe, you can say that again. Honey, you’ve really let yourself go. Haven’t you ever heard of a jello diet? You probably have to visit a “special store” to shop for your clothes. Move over, Fat Albert, and save the trees, please. Help.”
Ditzy girlfriend: “Why you good-for-nothing…this relationship is over. I never ever wanna see you again. You get outta my house and stay out of my life, sucker.” You hear me?”
Brutally honest boyfriend: “I hear you loud and clear. Which way does the wind blow, hear ye hear ye, order, order in the court of law. I am so glad you dumped me. Now, I am finally free to play the field. Getting rid of you was the smartest decision of my life. My lord, how nice never to be nagged again and having to suffer through your mud pack and moods.”
You see where I am going with this? Brutally honest? Really? Aw, come on now.
Having said that, thanks for writing this post anyway, both of you. It made me think. Cheers.
In my experience, relationships first and foremost come down to communication.
That being said, in your example of a girlfriend getting fat, in a good relationship that topic would have probably come up at one point or another. Because I know that if I noticed my girlfriend getting noticeably fat, I would bring it up out of concern for her health and well-being.
At which point we would discuss it and come to a conclusion as to how to deal with it, one way or another. Maybe she would start some exercise. Do some changes in the way she eats. Or even carry on acting the same as she has been, because she doesn’t think it’s a problem yet, and she has every right to decide about her own body. With that out of the way, there would be no reason to bring it up again for a while.
Being brutally honest doesn’t mean bringing up every little fault at every conceivable opportunity. But it means honestly bringing up things that the other person might not realise.
So in your example of going shopping, the problem of becoming fat would probably have been brought up at one point or another. So there would be no reason to bring it up again, and the boyfriend would just say something like “Mmm, that doesn’t dress doesn’t flatter you much. Try on that white one instead.”
When me and Ali said “brutally honest”, we didn’t mean insensitive. The “brutal” bit applied to the honesty, i.e. bringing up things even if they might be uncomfortable to hear. In other words, being really, really honest might be another way to put it.
I love your imagined dialogue, Archan! Hehe!
For me, the sort of brutal honesty I might expect in a relationship is when a decision is begin discussed: if one person really *doesn’t* want to do X and the other person is mildly in favour but not too bothered, it’s better for the first person to be honest rather than to go along with X and hate it…
I think love, support and encouragement are all hugely important. Honesty is too — and we wrote about honesty because we thought it’s something that people sometimes try to avoid in an attempt to be kind.
Started to reply this morning, and let it go, and then the thought of this post didn’t let go all day, and I’m back.
I agree that the phrase “brutally honest” has a certain colloquial use that we mostly all understand. However, I think a truth-in-vocabulary approach might suggest that a word more accurately associated with Stalin, Hitler, and Mugabe might make it a little hard for someone else to accurately hear the message. Furthermore, people who have actually experienced real brutality probably aren’t going to use the term to describe the fit of a pair of jeans.
However, I really kicked at the notion of giving “advice.” It’s risky. I can tell you what I think. I can tell you what happened when I faced a similar situation, and what the outcome of my actions was. But on a lot of fronts, I deeply believe I have no business giving “advice,” at least about the level of questions mentioned here.
Norm Brodsky, columnist in Inc. magazine, and more successful than any of the readers of this blog put together, said it in this month’s column: “I can tell you what I think. But you have to make your own decisions, or else you won’t take responsibility for any failure, because you’ll be able to say you did what I told you to do.”
I’ll give feedback. I share experience. I’m not trained for advice.
Thanks Karen! We admittedly (and deliberately) put forward a pretty one-sided viewpoint in this post — it’s certainly not the be-all-and-end-all and it’s been great to have some further discussion in the comments.
There are some matters on which I certainly wouldn’t try to give advice — like medical ones. There are other areas, though, like writing, where I *do* give advice. I often make it very clear that I’m offering suggestions, and that different writers will work in different ways.
We considered using the word “feedback” rather than “advice” when we wrote the post, but felt “advice” covered more situations. Perhaps, in light of your comment, “feedback” would have been a better choice…
Being anything but honest will only come back to haunt you or even worse the person that asked for it even worse in the future. I try not to waste my time saying it if it isn’t how I feel, exactly. I had a store manager once that used the brutally honest technique and I quickly realized how much better people responded to him then previous managers I had.
That’s my feeling, John — that trying to avoid being honest in favour of being “nice” (or just having a quiet life!) will only lead to problems further down the line.
Ali, Vlad, my former employer (Intel) has a published corporate value that states “We engage in constructive confrontation”. Did it work in all cases? No, of course not. Some people were rude and abusive and tried to justify that as constructive confrontation. And some people complained about the environment being overly confrontational. But I very much liked that for the most part, problems in ended up on the table and got discussed in a forthright manner.
Another interesting phrase from Intel culture is “Disagree and commit”. There is a clear expectation that you defend your position and make your case for what you believe to be right. But if you aren’t the decision maker and the final decision is not what you are advocating, you need to accept that, support the decision that was made even though you don’t like it, and move on.
Last but not least, when I married my Asian wife a few years back, she attempted to resolve conflict by refusing to talk to me when she was upset. Filipinos call this tampo. I waited her out, then calmly explained to her that while that may be accepted in her culture, the western way was to talk out differences. After a few uncomfortable conversations she came to realize that it was in fact much better to get to the bottom of our disagreement than to just bottle it up and shut down. We rarely disagree these days, but when we do, we usually get it resolved quickly and with a minimum of upset.
Mike, that’s really interesting to hear. I can imagine that some people would use “constructive confrontation” as an excuse to be unnecessarily aggressive — but it sounds like it was a great policy in general.
I have slightly mixed views on “talking it out” — simply because I know that I can be a bit moody at times, and often I actually feel quite differently about something once I’ve calmed down! Having said that, I certainly think it’s important to be honest with loved ones when there really is a disagreement — there’s no point pretending that you’re happy with a proposed solution only to end up sulking about it later.
Ali, good point regarding “talking it out”. It is often a good idea to give things a little time to cool down. And I do my best to do that. But the original behavior of just shutting down and refusing to talk at all about anything for any reason for days, then pretending like it never happened is definitely too far to the opposite extreme. Over the years we have learned to avoid both extremes.
Repeatedly, we are told that “honesty is the best policy” or “honesty is the highest virtue” and so on and so forth. Not for a moment do I dispute such notions. Philosophically, however, there are caveats and exceptions to the rule. Think about it, please.
If, by holding your tongue, you could spare somebody you love a lot of pain, would you want to be honest? Once, a friend visited my home. She told me how great it felt to finally receive a C grade in her class. She was not a good student, so I felt happy for her. I held my tongue and refused to tell her I had scored an A grade in the same class. What helped me was that she forgot to ask me about my grade. She seemed lost in her own world, so I got lucky.
Also, while being honest, let us not forget the human element. We humans tend to be touchy-feely. So, while conveying an honest truth, try to deal with it in a manner that is humane and not hostile. Listen with empathy. Try not to be judgmental. Let the other person finish his/her sentences. Do not interrupt when the other party is struggling to express himself/herself. Encourage others to defend themselves and ask for their opinion about issues/events. Don’t pretend that you know it all or that you have all the answers. Try to de-personalize issues, so you focus on the problem and not the individual. Do not point fingers and enage in slanging matches. Just focus on the problem and find a solution instead of blaming the individual. And try to have an honest dialogue rather than dictate terms and conditions. Try to honor individual differences. So on and so forth. Hope this helps. Cheers.
I certainly think that silence is sometimes crucial. With the example of your friend, I’d have done exactly the same thing as you. Telling her your grade wouldn’t have helped her in any way.
(It would be different if, say, she showed you her draft term paper and asked for your advice, though.)
I absolutely agree with the points you make about listening with empathy, and being respectful. Honesty is no excuse for nastiness or rudeness.
Feedback is a very interesting subject.
There are times you should just say that all is good, they discuss this in the TV-series Friends – Chandler is asked by his girlfriend Janice if she looked fat today. He looks at her and says no. She got really mad at him.
So Chandler goes to Rachel and Ross and asks why she got mad.
They explain that you some answers need to come as a gut answer.
In other cases someone is asking the question with the honest intent to improve. If you aren’t honest with them, you will just reinforce their weakness and keep them from improving.
This is cruel!
You need to be honest, but you can be nice about it and help them make an action plan to help them improve their weaknesses.
Perhaps it would be better to promote direct or straight forward honesty. By the very definition of brutal, it has no good intent, while honesty should have benefit when directed toward another person.
Full Definition of BRUTAL
1
archaic : typical of beasts : animal
2
: befitting a brute: as
a : grossly ruthless or unfeeling
b : cruel, cold-blooded
c : harsh, severe
d : unpleasantly accurate and incisive
e : very bad or unpleasant