Editor’s Note: This is a continuation of our core conversation, “Great Connections Lead to Great Ideas.” In our last contribution, Jen Louden shared three things that prevent us from having great conversations. In this post, Les McKeown speaks candidly about how networking doesn’t work for him, being an introvert, and instead gives the introvert’s guide to making great connections. I particularly enjoyed the alternative perspective, and I hope you do, too.
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A few things I’ve learned about making great connections. Your mileage will most certainly vary:
People will tell you that meeting and mixing with others – networking, hanging out, socializing, tribe-building, whatever you want to call it – is a vital part of the path to… something. Greatness, maybe, or creativity. Perhaps just contentedness.
Honestly, I haven’t found that to be so. In fact, I find most of the connect-y, conference-circuit-y, business-socializing stuff to be vacuous, painfully false and a waste of time.
Full disclosure: I’m an introvert. I don’t like being in crowds, and I haven’t been able to sit through a complete workshop or seminar since my mid-twenties (an incredibly long time ago), so I’m not the best person to ask about this. But since you did ask (well, Charlie asked on your behalf), here’re a few thoughts on how, given the aversions noted above, connecting with others works for me:
Great ideas rarely come directly from great conversations
When I have an incredible conversation with someone else – one of those sparks-flying, truly bonding, mind-enlarging idea-fests where we each build on each other’s insights, filling napkins with grand plans and changing the world as we know it, the ideas that arise as a direct result – at least in my experience – rarely stand the test of sunlight.
There are exceptions of course, but more often than not what seemed like a great idea the night before usually collapses like an over-heated soufflé the moment I try to implement it – or, after a honeymoon period turns into a grinding, joyless, profitless venture that I wonder how I got myself into.
Great ideas come instead from what great conversations do to us
Any time I have truly benefited from knowing someone, or even just interacting with them, it has come not from the great ideas we sparked in each other (though that may sometimes happen), but from a real change they ignited within me: an encouragement to be more of who I am, say, or a silent rebuke to my cowardices; a glimpse of the depth that I want to attain, or the freedom to laugh at myself.
It’s those changes – the enlarging of my own ‘footprint’, the ability to be more of myself because of the influences, large and small, of others, that has in turn enabled me to be more creative – in my own way, and without needing (I hope) to piggy back or emulate others.
Great conversations don’t turn up on your schedule or follow your plans
I gave up bringing business cards to events years ago (unless it’s an event I’m being paid to attend), and I long ago stopped pressuring myself to meet, well… anyone. I no longer seek out specific connections or conversations because I’ve learned over the years that I can be stunned by complete strangers, and bored out of my socks by household-name superstars. And vice versa.
I prefer to be surprised by serendipity than disappointed by my imperfect plans. (click to tweet – thanks!)
Truly great conversations happen when I’m relaxed, open, and have no agenda
When I wind myself into a knot and try to ‘make’ a connection with someone I’ve been told it’s important I meet, it almost always turns to dust in my hand. When I drop all the trying, the effort and planning, I meet someone I’ve never heard of who blows my mind.
You don’t need to leave a mark
I see a lot of people trying to make ‘important’ connections who seem to think that the ‘important’ part is that the other person should acknowledge, remember or otherwise take them under their notice. I understand this. But it’s ultimately irrelevant. Three of the five people who have most influenced me almost certainly don’t know they’ve done so, and I’d guess it’s the same is for you.
So if you find the drumbeat to attend every event and make the most of every interaction to be artificial and manipulative, try the introvert’s way: just turn up (or don’t – great conversations are as likely to turn up at your local Starbucks as at the next ‘must-attend’ conference), be yourself, listen, engage (or not – sometimes listening is quite enough) and leave. Works for me.
More about Les: Les McKeown is the President & CEO of Predictable Success. He has has started over 40 companies in his own right, and he advises CEOs and senior leaders of organizations on how to achieve scalable, sustainable growth. His clients range from large family-owned businesses to Fortune 100 companies, and include Harvard University, American Express, T-Mobile, United Technologies, Pella Corporation, The US Army, Microsoft and the NSA.
Based in Marblehead MA, Les now spends his time consulting, writing, teaching, and speaking. Les has appeared on CNN, ABC, BBC, Inc, Entrepreneur magazine, USA Today and The New York Times. His latest book is Predictable Success: Getting Your Organization On The Growth Track–and Keeping It There.
I really like this and agree.
The most inspiring people to me often don’t know they’ve been inspiring, and when I found out I’ve been a catalyst for others it’s often a most surprising person.
Being yourself, whatever that is, is the most inspiring thing a person can do for another. We are all unique for a reason.
Great post!
Thank you, Kat – I appreciate that.
Les,
Being an introvert myself – I’m sitting here nodding in agreement…and feeling even better about the heart-based decisions I make (like when it feels “right” to show up, vs. when I think I “ought to” show up).
For me, I find my greatest conversation moments are those where I’m in a small group, and typically when it’s one on one with someone else.
Here’s to letting great ideas flow…from what great conversations do to us (love that!!)!
Thanks, Lance – glad you found it helpful. Maybe we’ll get to do that together sometime 🙂
– Les
Thanks, Lance – glad it was helpful to you. Maybe we’ll get to do that together sometime :).
– Les
Great post!
Totally agree with you, I have lost count of the amount of times I have gone to a local business school seminar, or paid training seminar with the intention to meet interesting people over the snacks and have yet to meet one. However I have met so many interesting people just hanging out at sports clubs, camera clubs, and coffee shops because they are there to have fun not to meet other interesting people so drop the facade and show to just be themselves. People need to stop trying so hard to meet and impress other people in my personal opinion,
On the button, Dan – I agree entirely.
– Les
Thanks so much for this. I’m an introvert just starting to try and put myself out there, make new connections, meet new people. It doesn’t come naturally to me and your insights really ring true in my experience. You have potentially just saved me a lot of wasted time and energy!
I like the Frank Sinatra classic, Joy, “Nice and Easy Does It…: 🙂
– Les
Les,
I appreciate your contribution here and a special thanks to Charlie for featuring your work on his amazing blog.
Your point is well-taken. However, there is a mystery to “great conversation.” What is missing from the picture is that great conversations can also occur between you and you. In other words, you don’t necessarily have to meet other people to have a great conversation.
Think about it.
Picture this scene: you are in a shower, singing a song. Suddenly, your subconscious takes over. Out of nowhere, ideas start popping into your head–a dime a dozen. Quickly, you jump out of the shower and jot down those ideas in your note-book. Then, you get back in the shower and wait for divine inspiration to strike: yes, lighting can strike twice in the same place contrary to conventional wisdom. As before, you start to sing a Frank Sinatra song and start to debate with yourself the pros and cons of ideas which your received from an unknown source. And finally, when you are in the shower, you make a decision.
How many times has this happened to creative people? Or, some event has occured along these lines? Self-talk can also lead to a great conversation between you and you.
So, it is entirely true that, if you are introverted, you don’t necessarily have to put yoursel out there to talk to perfect strangers at conferences, seminars, etc. You can just leave that alone and be with yourself.
On the other hand, there are also millions of people out there who swear they have had great conversations by attending parties, socials, seminars, training programs, etc.
So, it is kind of like: different strokes for different folks. The individual needs to do what feel right for him or her. Take action based on whatever floats your boat. Cheers.
Wholeheartedly agree, Archan. That’s why it’s good to always have a ubiquitous capture tool to hand 🙂
– Les
Wow, I thought there was something wrong with me because networking events seem so fake. The few I’ve been to over the past few years (not months) left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.
For example, one I went to everyone asked me this question right after we shook hands…
“Are you a planner or a supplier?”
I was shocked that that’s the FIRST question out of everyone’s mouth. The entire industry does that. I was in utter disbelief. I met about 30 people over a 24 hour period and EVERYONE asked the same question. Odd.
Another one I went to was in the direct mail industry (believe me, it still exists). The question asked was “Who are you with?” The first time I was asked that question, I looked over my right shoulder, then my left, then replied “I came by myself.” The question, as I soon learned, was to uncover whether or not I worked with a BIG company here in Canada. When I said “self-employed” that meted enough interest as watching grass grow.
Like you, Les, I don’t bring business cards to events. I hate collecting them (like the people who thrust them in my hands BEFORE I even hear the sound of their voice) and thus, I don’t bring any. OMG, it’s like I just said I have a communicable disease that the CDC can’t cure. Gasp! Faint! Run! Or, I get a stern “you’re-going-to-the-principle’s-office-if-you-don’t-eat-your-chocolate-pudding” lecture because I haven’t had a need to print business cards in 5-years.
Fake interest. Counterfeit connections. Phony people. I don’t incorporate any artificial stuff in my life, so why would I expect it via my connections?
Yeah, wow. People sometimes forget quickly to behave like people, with all of the pressures and expectations we deal with. Someone needs to remind them what human behavior is really like (and the wonderful benefits that go along with engaging in it!).
I was put off by networking at first, too. And then one day I found out I could just chill out and make friends, and amazing things would happen…!
I wish more are like you, Megan. Just go to the networking event and relax. Forget the titles, forget who’s the big cheese in the room. Just chill.
Leesa, we all know there’s *nothing* wrong with you 🙂 Thanks for your insights.
– Les
Les, I love this post. It’s a relief, really, a deep, releasing sigh of “one-sized fits all shoulds” – How To Be: Successful, Influential, a Masterful Communicator, etc., etc. We all take in, process and express information differently, which is cause for exploration rather than constraint.
“When I wind myself into a knot and try to ”˜make’ a connection with someone I’ve been told it’s important I meet, it almost always turns to dust in my hand.” This says it all – our nonverbal behaviors will telegraph our true message and when it doesn’t match our words it can be very confusing for both us and for our audience. When we intentionally place ourselves in situations where we are open and relaxed, our verbal and nonverbal communication aligns, and then often so do our interactions.
Thanks so much for sharing this!
I appreciate it, Cheryl – tough in particular when you inhabit an extrovert industry (speaking, teaching, consulting). Mind you, as my father-in-law (a farmer) would say, “Those are high-class problems to have” 🙂
– Les
This is just plain delightful. Thank you for writing it!
So is your comment, Meghan – thank *you*
– Les
Thanks Les. Good article and I’m glad to know that I am not alone in my dislike for networking, it makes me feel fake. I too find that the best conversations occur when I am not looking for them.
As with all good things, eh, Tracy?
– Les
Les, this hit home. So many of those artificial strivings to get noticed, get in play, get SOMEWHERE””there’s a weird hollowness there. Being comfortable in your own skin (which has been and still is hard for me) is so much more appealing. And natural, if we weren’t twisted by so many ill winds of thin achievement.
Being open to experience so often results in so much more than trying to control the experience. Thanks for the wisdom.
I so wish I’d learned some of this earlier in my life. But I suppose I’ll settle for understanding it better now!
Tom, I think you’ve said it better than I did! Thanks for taking the time.
– Les
What a breath of fresh air to find this piece today. (Thank you Megan!) I appreciate being given an option, Les, as you say, “try the introvert’s way: just turn up (or don’t )”. Thanks for reminding us that we can choose our own path in life, and that it’s okay to hang back, or not hang at all. This piece has my vote for Best Business Writing 2011. Thank you so much for your honesty.
Why thank, you, Mary Louise – you are very, very kind. I accept your award on behalf of introverts everywhere! 🙂
– Les
Thanks for both validating and articulating my own experiences and beliefs. You’ve made be feel sane again! — Melissa
Very glad it helped, Melissa. I appreciate you taking the time to say so.
– Les
This was a very perspective-shattering post, which I loved. I’ve written a book called The Intentional Networker which offers up some ideas about the introvert vs extrovert and on-purpose vs synchronistic debates. I believe that discovering which type you are, introvert or extrovert or somewhere in the middle (like me) is the first step to figuring out YOUR best style of networking (or non-networking). From there you can also begin to observe whether the best exchanges and aha’s happen for you in crowds, small groups, one-on-one, or in solitude. Bravo for shaking things up with this post.
That sounds very useful indeed, Patti. Why not check with Charlie if he’d be happy with you posting a link to your book?
– Les
I like this too. I think it comes down to ‘what is your authentic self?’ Some people love schmoozing and connecting with others to gain something from them.
Others take a more laid back approach and don’t feel the need to leave a mark. I like the idea of just turning up and being yourself!