Sex in Public: Finding Liberation In Fear

Editor’s Note: This is a continuation of our core conversation, “Extraordinary Women Change the World.” In our last post, Desiree Adaway showed us how defying expectations allows us to become our own truth. Today, Ev'Yan discusses her mission to open up the conversation about sexuality to empower all of us.

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We've all experienced growing pains, those incessant spurts of development that stretch our bones and our limits. And in those moments of growth, as we wade through the lessons and the confusion, we experience significant change: change in our thoughts, ideas, morals, & bodies. Many of us go about this transformation & adaption privately.

As for me, all of my self-growth & discovery within my 20s was (and is) made public.

The first time I ever wrote about my sex life in semi-graphic detail was almost five years ago. I was in the midst of what seemed to be a hopeless, never ceasing frigidity. I felt undesirable & awkward, & because of this I stumbled accidentally into a sexless marriage. My erotic life was void of the fervid passion I knew it was capable of. I felt lost & useless.

So I wrote about it.

I wrote about the falsehoods of sex that I was made to believe by my parents & church. I wrote about how confusing life as a newlywed was for me, especially in the sexual realm, where I was supposed to suddenly morph from virginal child to roaring sex kitten after my wedding night. I wrote about how my libido was low for reasons unknown to me, & how frustrating it was for my poor husband (not really taking into account how frustrating it was for myself).

I wrote about all of these things, my fingers never stopping to reread sentences or properly punctuate paragraphs. Streams & streams of longing, curiosity, fear, & anguish poured out of me tirelessly for forty five minutes. To set free all of those pent up emotions acted as a confessional for me. I felt lighter, freer, & empowered.

And when I was finished, something unexpected happened: I hit the publish button.

What came next was a flurry of comments on my blog, emails, phone calls, & private messages from nearly perfect strangers thanking me for my honesty, telling me I wasn't alone, wishing they could give me hugs of encouragement & understanding. I was enthralled, puzzled, & humbled. That I could so openly reveal my deepest flaws & have it be received with unabashed empathy was a pleasant surprise. To see that my own story of shame and frustration could provoke such a coming forth of community made me realize that I was standing on the precipice of something greater than myself.

Going All The Way

Last year, I decided to devote all of my time to write & learn more about sex & sexuality, within myself, within the lives of others, within society, & within history. I use my personal experiences to help empower others to liberation. And in doing so, this fantastic ripple effect happens: I myself become empowered & liberated. It's a beautiful thing.

So for me, empowerment comes from my ability to become vulnerable with the world. To expose my weaknesses & become shamelessly sincere about a subject that isn't unhesitatingly discussed -- that being sex/sexuality -- is surprisingly quite freeing (albeit a bit terrifying). To speak my truth in the realm of sexuality/sensuality is the most empowering thing I've ever experienced.

About Ev'Yan: Ev`Yan is a liberation artist for women who are hungry for shameless sensual expression. With honeyed prose, she instigates brazen discussions about sexuality at her digital sanctuary, sexloveliberation.com, which serves as a lifeboat for women who are craving connection to their inner desires. Join her tribe of sensualists by signing up to the Self-Love Letters. You can also say hello on Twitter: @ev_yan.