I shared with you last time about my struggles from mid-August until just recently. About how I’d felt like I was at my limit (and had been there for a while) around what I could process and feel. About so much pain and loss coming at me back to back to back… and that I moved into a place of shock and then numbness for a while, feeling wholly unlike myself in my not-feeling.
Wondering if I was broken.
I believe that a significant reason why I was able to move through all the pain and shock and sorrow and overwhelm was due to the messages of love (I’m going to call them love notes) that continued to show up all around me.
It’s interesting now — as I reflect back on that six-week time period — just how ever-present those love notes were. They were all around me. They came to me through friends, strangers, in my dreams, in my prayers, through songs and poems, on the wings of butterflies, and in actual love notes.
When I sat down today to take a look at the random thoughts I had scribbled down over the last couple of months (what I generally use to get me started on writing), it was illuminative and soul-nourishing to see how many times — even in that dark, dark place — I captured a little glimmer of hope and love.
And, given how dark of a place I was in for that time and that I know there was far more that I didn’t think to capture or scribble down, I can only imagine how much love and hope was showing up for me that kept me moving, and I didn’t even realize it.
What a beautiful thought… love was holding and guiding me even if it wasn’t always “landing” in a way I was consciously aware of at the time. I wonder how often that might be true for all of us? Imagine how loved and held you are, and you might not even be aware of it. (Tweet this.)
In no particular order, and without the larger story around it, here is just a glimpse of the love notes that offered me light, hope, solace, encouragement, and breath when I needed it most.
From my prayers, dreams, and random thoughts:
- A steady and peaceful heart is always within you. It’s what allows you to hold situations and people that matter to you with grace and compassion.
- How do you transform this fear into love?
- Look into the eyes of those here with you now in this place. We are all connected in this pain and the love is so much greater than the pain. They see you and together you can hold this and each other.
- I love and accept you just as you are. (This one came in my dreams a few weeks back and has just shown up over and over again in my head, both for myself and for others.)
- Know you are loved. Know you are held.
From loved ones and “used to be strangers, but now friends”:
- The simple and important acknowledgment and question: I see how much you are holding. How can I help?
- A loving and firm statement: It’s time for you to take care of you for a while. I’ve got this.
- I would like to bring you a meal. I will be there at 6:00 p.m. on Tuesday.
- We miss you but know you are where you need to be right now. We’ve got things taken care of on the homefront and will be excited to see you when you get home.
- You are a light in the dark. What you did matters. Thank you for being an angel.
From Spirit, Universe, nature, and animals:
- Butterflies that accompanied me on a walk and allowed me to finally cry.
- A dream that provided a perspective that was needed about what is next and the enormity of Grace.
- Our kitty, Petie, laying on my chest so much longer than I “wanted” him to, allowing me to feel and be present.
- The ash from the wildfires falling on our chair outside, reminding me of the connection of all and the enormity of the beauty still available.
- A spiritually significant song to me that played for me through my earbuds… and I have no idea what device it was coming from.
This last example is one I want to tell you just a little more about. The day after I wrote To Trust That I Am Not Broken I was out in our hot tub with my iPod, trying to connect my AirPods to Insight Timer for my morning meditation.
My AirPods were connected to my iPod, but when I put them in my ears, the song “Ong Namo” was playing. I tried to stop it as I was wanting to meditate. I quit all the apps on my iPod and it continued to play. I realized after a few moments that I had no idea where the song was playing from, that my AirPods were indeed connected to my iPod, but that the song wasn’t coming from it…
And in that moment, I just needed to listen to this song.
(When I came inside later after my meditation time, I checked all of my other devices, and none of them were connected to my AirPods or had a music app open).
It is very possible that my AirPods were connecting to some device and I just never could figure it out, but what became apparent for me within a few seconds was this: however this song was showing up for me, it was what I needed in that moment.
The tears started to flow in a way that they hadn’t flowed in the last six weeks. I sobbed and sobbed. I was not broken. I was feeling. It was overwhelming but not more than I could handle. I knew that it was what was needed. I was safe. It was time to feel. I was going to be OK.
This song and how it showed up for me was another love note, and the timing and delivery were exactly what I needed when I needed it. Thank you, Spirit, for guiding me.
The significance of this song for me is important. The song Ong Namo from Snatam Kaur is always a reminder for me of the light and knowledge I have inside of me and my connection to all that is. It is a reminder of my meditation and yoga practices, of my truth, of how I connect to my higher self and wisdom and divinity.
The reminder of that connection was what I needed to come back to myself. To stop and be. To trust. To allow.
In the practice of Kundalini yoga, a mantra is often used, and one of the more used mantras is Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo. The translation is a little different depending on who translates it, but essentially it means: “I call to divine wisdom.” This mantra is sung many times in this song and it led me to listen to the song, reconnect with my Kundalini meditation practice, and allow the flow of love to continue from there.
This love note reminded me to come back to me. To come back to practices that have sustained and nourished me for so long.
What is very clear to me is that love is always here. Love is always available. I sometimes lose sight of it. But, if I trust, my eyes will be opened again to this most important and beautiful gift.
That is my offering to you today. Trust that love is always with and around you. No matter how damn dark or painful the moment is, there is always love. Can you allow it? Will you?
And, even if you are not able to see it right now, I promise you that it is still there. It will not abandon you. It will not be lost. And, it will wait until you are ready. Love is always available to lighten your dark.
This post is also a part of The Anchor email series, which we’re sending out to help provide you support and grounding and hope during this challenging time. If you’d like to receive The Anchor in your inbox a few times a week, you can sign up here.