Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Ken Robert.
For almost two decades, whenever I felt uncomfortable, I’d reach for a cigarette. I was addicted to the nicotine, but I was just as hooked on the smoke’s ability to swiftly suffocate my stray, unwanted feelings.
Part of me simply didn’t want to deal.
What’s wrong, Ken? Feeling blue? Let me grab a pack.
She said WHAT? You must be angry. Here, let me light that for you.
Sorrow, fury, anxiety, fear? No problem. Take two drags and call me in the next half hour.
Repeatedly numbing yourself, however, eventually takes its toll.
Feelings, including the unwanted ones, arise for a reason. They’re messengers bearing information. If you can learn how to live with them, they can teach you how to live.
But I always feared and tried to kill them, so I seldom got the message. I lost touch with my dreams. My vision grew dim. I detached and slowly drifted away from the things that brought me joy. I was numb, dumb, and increasingly bummed.
I was so adept at suffocating my emotions that I really felt quite dead inside.
Reaching For Something Different
There must have been some small part of me that wanted to live, that wanted to feel, because one day I decided to reach for an ink pen instead of a cigarette.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was starting a fight that day, a battle between me and me.
Yes, writing and drawing woke up something new in me, but it also woke the old part, the one that wanted to sleep forever undisturbed, and that part was kind of pissed.
For every piece the new part created, the old one smoked another handful of mentholated cancer sticks as if to say, “Oh yeah? Take that!”
Some days the new part would go into hiding. On others it would forge its way through the smoke and make its way to the page.
The Battle For Change Is A Long One
The battle for change, I’ve since learned, takes longer than you may imagine. It’s been more than two years since I first picked up an ink pen and just six weeks since I last picked up a cigarette, but I know I’ll never do so again. That part of me, at last, surrendered. The new part finally won.
I still have to be careful. When one battle ends, another one begins. Now I have to face my feelings without a smoke screen, and sometimes it’s tempting to look for something else to go numb with.
So if you’re using one hand to pat yourself on the back for never having reached for a cigarette, I recommend keeping an eye on the other hand. There are lots of things you can reach for and dim your inner light with.
Maybe you never have this problem, but that would make you rare, so stay alert and watch for times when you’re tempted to fade to black.
Instead of reaching for something to go numb with (a chocolate bar? a remote control? an extra glass of wine?), try reaching for something you can use to express and process what’s going on inside you. Trust me, there’s gold in what you feel.
Photo Credit: discosour
Nice reminder. When you’ve worked so hard to wrench a door open and walk through, you don’t go back. Maybe look over your shoulder with a nod of recognition – “yeah, that used to be part of me” – but you won’t walk back through. Congrats on the move.
Thanks, Martha. Onto the next door.
Beautifully written. And so true. My “other hand” has many tricks that keep me from dealing with the darkness and living in the light. When I give up one vice, I must be ever vigilant for the others . . . Ok, now I’m going to do some writing 🙂
Oh so true! It’s difficult to get a real sense of our potential when we constantly act out of habit or addiction. I agree it’s about reaching for something different. In that way we bring our attention to behavior that’s outdated and ready for the recycle bin.
I think you have a great blog here and was wondering if you would be interested in exchanging links. Please comment back on my blog and let me know!
Success Demands Action
Great metaphor, Kevin. I really like the idea of battling that “numb me” inclination with some form of expression or self-exploration.
It makes me wonder where meditation falls in this picture. On the one hand, it is numbing in the sense that it calms the mind. But it also facilitates clarity that can lead to self-understanding and self-expression. I guess that’s why I love it so much. Unfortunately, the instances in which I could most benefit from meditation are always the hardest ones to actually make myself sit for it.
Hi Ken,
What a lovely and inspirational post. All successes in life begin with those small decisions to do this instead of that — to pick up a pen and not a cigarette. To take a walk instead of watch tv. To breathe instead of give in to negative thinking. Every major change in life evolves from a series of small decisions and actions. Thank you for reminding us of that.
And that was an inspiring and beautifully written comment. Thanks, Barrie.
I agree that the battle of change is really a long one. We always try to improve ourselves as we are wrapped up with fears, insecurities, and the need to become better. But there are things that you do not need to change especially when you’ve already got. You just have to believe.
P.S. Sharing with you a good read on Self-Improvement. Hope you like it.
Change starts inside. And the day you realize this, is the day you become the master of your reality.