What’s harder than their pain is the fact that sometimes we do have to separate ourselves from them – in this regard, “detach” is exactly the right word. There’s then the residue, though – how do you reconnect after you’ve detached? How do you build trust and stick-through-it-ness with your loved ones when at a certain point, you didn’t stick with them?

Open, honest communication is about the only way out of the hole. The hardest part of the communication process is separating the issues between you two from the issues that caused the problem – in this case, your husband’s sickness. You didn’t detach from him because he was sick and worried – you detached from him because your relationship was becoming unhealthy.

That’s easier said than done, but it’s a first step.

As for the work one … same thing applies, to my feelings. I must take care of myself, my own (work) responsibilities, my professional development, etc., in order to be a contributor to my employer. Other people’s problems are theirs, and I wouldn’t want to deny them the opportunity to learn their own lessons!

Nice blog.

It’s hard to tell whether this is an apples and oranges discussion, but what you say is highly germane and still places the problem where it needs to be: on the dumpee. Furthermore, it does boil down to saying “no.”

Thanks for the insight!

I used to do that myself. At my last job, I hacked my workflow from the point where I couldn’t complete the work I had in a 10-hour day, to the point were I completed everything in the first two hours. That left me with eight hours of nothing to do, so I filled the void by doing other people’s work. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t look busy — a cardinal sin in office culture. One day, I caught myself whining about all the work “they” were imposing on me, and I had to really sit down and think about who actually started the cycle of dumping. When I realized my choices were either to look busy or do other people’s work, I realized that I was in a no-win situation, so I opted for self-employment.

It helps to create a checklist of what exactly your work roles and responsibilities are, so that whenever you’re asked to do something by someone who can’t fire you, you have a reference point for evaluating whether or not you’re the one who should be doing it.

Andre Kibbes last blog post..Batch Your Input Tasks to Maximize Output

In all seriousness, though, I’ll think about general advice on how to do this, but it’s hard because the context of the dumpee’s character is crucial. Some people have enough chutzpah to approach things directly, and some have to go about it more…delicately.

A starting point will be for you to get real with MusicMan about whether he just needs a shoulder or whether he wants advice. If it’s the former, give him a shoulder and let him get it out, but don’t invest yourself in the fixing of the problem. It is what it is, and you can’t change it.

If it’s advice he’s wanting, hold him accountable to doing something that you suggest. Hold out on him…until he takes action on the last thing you advised him on, he doesn’t get anymore. For reasons I’ll not get into, I’ve found that it’s easier for women to hold out physically than emotionally, but they’re both in your control.

Now, how about a post on ways we can effectively and lovingly deal with dumpers. My hubby and his work stresses too often end up in the circle of concern category because he likes to whinge but not do anything about things until he’s ready to do so. This means all the advice and listening I deliver is pointless and tiring. But he’s my man and I love him, so what to do?

Kelly